1 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:06,882 [laughing] Oh-ho-ho-ho. 2 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,426 [laughter] 3 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,011 If I know those laughs, 4 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,347 they're tickling Jeff until he wets himself. 5 00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:14,806 Better put down some newspaper. 6 00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:17,392 [all laughing] 7 00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:20,521 Oh. I thought you guys were making fresh, squeezed Jeff juice. 8 00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:21,897 What you watching? 9 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,191 Wazzup, butt cheeses? 10 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:28,612 I'm Stan. I'm 22 years old, and I'd be a home run on this show. 11 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:31,782 Aah! 12 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,200 [all laughing] 13 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,035 We were looking for that porno mom found 14 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,870 where the guy looks like a fatter Tuttle, 15 00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,622 and look what we stumbled across. 16 00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,791 Your old Real World audition tape! 17 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,585 You made the right move not sending this in. 18 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,129 -It would've been brutal. -What are you talking about? 19 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,257 -It's not that bad. -Come on, Dad. 20 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,259 You're not cut out for reality TV. 21 00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,052 You're terrible on camera. 22 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,888 Please. Reality TV is all about charming people 23 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,890 and I am constantly doing that on missions. 24 00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:59,893 Once I charmed my way into a Canadian terrorist cell 25 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:02,020 with nothing but a hot dog and a piece of gum. 26 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,939 Winning over a bunch of reality dweebs 27 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,399 would be child's play. 28 00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,609 Work's different. That's all instinct. 29 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,737 Great instincts. No one's questioning those. 30 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,532 But in normal life, whenever there's a camera around, 31 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,075 you get so in your own head 32 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,619 and try way too hard, and make the worst, 33 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,788 lamest choices. I mean... 34 00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:23,250 I like to keep it extreme! 35 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,211 [grunts] 36 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:29,840 See? Cameras are why you act so weird at ATMs. 37 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,301 And in the cold medicine aisle at CVS. 38 00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,761 And behind any car with a backup camera. 39 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,471 You're all crazy! I'd crush it. 40 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:37,639 Why do you even care? 41 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:40,809 This was 20 years ago, and you never even followed through with it. 42 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,436 Yeah, but the more we talk about this, 43 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:43,979 the more important it becomes to me. 44 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,981 My own family doesn't even believe in me! 45 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,442 It's not that we don't believe in you, honey, 46 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,360 it's just... 47 00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,530 [all laughing] 48 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:55,198 You guys suck! 49 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:57,784 And send me that pic! 50 00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,203 [♪ theme song playing] 51 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,041 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 52 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:08,128 ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 53 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,173 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 54 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,593 ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ 55 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,766 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 56 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,185 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 57 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,190 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 58 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,525 Stupid family. 59 00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:33,070 'Sup? I heard that argument, Stan, 60 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,198 and I have to say, I think we have yet another situation 61 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,116 where everyone else in the house is wrong 62 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,619 -and you are right. -Yet again. 63 00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,038 They may not believe in you, but I do. 64 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,998 You'd be great on reality TV. 65 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,542 And I know what I'm talking about because I have a persona 66 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:50,045 with a deep background in reality television. 67 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:53,173 Gary Ombosule, reality TV producer. 68 00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:56,051 I've cast and produced dozens of shows in my day. 69 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,428 Pitching a lot of hot, hot stuff right now. 70 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,180 Real Housewives of ISIS. 71 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:01,348 Jack Toddlers. 72 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:02,891 Jack Toddlers, Las Vegas. 73 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,601 America's Next Top Bottom. 74 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,853 I'm actually all three judges on that, too. 75 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:10,774 And my big dog, Gary Ombosule's All Stars. 76 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:11,900 Just got green-lit! 77 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:15,654 Gonna air on several non-traditional, alternative TV platforms, 78 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,989 gas station TVs, burner flip phones, 79 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,950 audio-only on Spirit Airlines. 80 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,327 You know, Stan, we're still finalizing the cast, 81 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,329 and I actually think you'd be perfect for it. 82 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,415 Me? Really? What's it about? 83 00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:28,083 It's a classic. Seven strangers 84 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,960 getting to know each other in a rental house 85 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,962 where the toilets definitely aren't filmed. 86 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,256 Nothing crazy, just a popularity contest 87 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,216 where viewers vote for who they like best. 88 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,802 -I don't know. -Come on. It's win-win. 89 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,053 I fill out my cast, 90 00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,556 you get to show the family how stupid they are. 91 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:45,100 They do need to know how stupid they are. 92 00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:46,351 -Okay, let's do it. -Great. 93 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:47,769 Now you just need to sign these. 94 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,147 Don't worry. It's nothing to do with the show. 95 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,107 These are valentines for some other personas 96 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,483 who have crushes on you. 97 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,277 Stan, you wouldn't happen to be interested 98 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,070 in Abigail Lemonparty, would you? 99 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,074 Amazing. 100 00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,576 Whoo. That was fun. 101 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,619 And I thought our tour of the football stadium 102 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,621 was going to be my highlight of the week. 103 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:07,914 What tour? 104 00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:10,333 We went on a ghost tour of the Shark's Nest. 105 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,836 It's built on a Native burial ground, 106 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:16,465 a pet cemetery, and a Spirit Halloween store, 107 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,592 so the place is crawling with ghosts! 108 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,343 You went without me? [gasps] 109 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,095 How dare you? 110 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:23,430 We've had this discussion. 111 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:27,184 If you're ever going on a ghost tour or a Target run, you tell me! 112 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,853 It was just a lot of walking, and you're so small. 113 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,646 It would've been hard for you to keep up. 114 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,023 So carry me, bitches! 115 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:37,110 And we weren't sure it would be the right vibe for you. 116 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,613 You can be kind of a wild card. 117 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,448 Wild card? Me? 118 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:42,532 Yeah, you. 119 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,118 Remember when you got us kicked out of the Renaissance Fair 120 00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:47,871 for attacking a harp player with a giant turkey leg? 121 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,915 Oh, come on. That was funny. 122 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:52,250 You know, you guys really take me for granted. 123 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,836 If I had an awesome small bro like me, 124 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,630 I would value him. 125 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:59,174 Great. Go find yourself a Klaus then. 126 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,425 Maybe I will! 127 00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:03,470 Actually, Dr. Weitzman owes me a favor 128 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,013 for when I helped untangle him 129 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:08,183 from the barbed wire around the old bra factory. 130 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,602 I'll have him make me a tiny buddy! 131 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,356 You guys want to go to Target? 132 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,318 The Everglades are becoming a mini Hollywood. 133 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,695 You can dress this swamp up to be anywhere. 134 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:23,198 A swamp in London, a swamp in space. 135 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:24,616 Very versatile swamp. 136 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,702 Screw you, Claude! I meant what I said! 137 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,746 Had it out with that dumbass the other day. 138 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,997 He's into voodoo dolls, 139 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:34,501 and I called him out for it being total mumbo jumbo. Moron. 140 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:35,961 Anyway, the house is just up here. 141 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,504 -[bones crunching] -[screaming] 142 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,550 Okay. Showtime. 143 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,094 The rest of the cast is out there. Just go be yourself. 144 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,096 Piece of cake. Game time. 145 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,644 Wazzup, butt cheeses? 146 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,187 [♪ "Back That Azz Up" playing] 147 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,355 ♪ You bad, yeah ♪ 148 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,691 ♪ Make a woadie spend his cash, yeah his last, yeah ♪ 149 00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,192 ♪ Girls frown when you pass, yeah ♪ 150 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,694 ♪ They mad, yeah You gon' ride... ♪ 151 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:04,406 Yes, my monkey. Back that ass up for the camera. 152 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:05,490 ♪ ...of grass, yeah ♪ 153 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,617 ♪ Got money I can flash, yeah And trash, yeah ♪ 154 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,251 I'm Swerve Queen. 155 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,919 AKA Miss Steal Your Girl, 156 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,713 AKA Miss Steal Your Guy, 157 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,591 AKA Miss Steal Your Identity! 158 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,759 I'm Drakeford, and I'm here to get famous enough 159 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,344 to be on other reality shows. 160 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:27,721 And I'm Clarence. 161 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,223 I needed money for my granddaughter's wedding, 162 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:33,226 so I responded to a Craigslist ad, and-- 163 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,312 Yo, yo, it's your boy, Stan. 164 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,856 I'm here to party and I'm here to farty. 165 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,065 [farts] 166 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:42,944 I'm Anjelica. I have 200K followers, 167 00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:46,656 and as a brand ambassador for Dr. Slippy's lip gloss, 168 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,783 that is all I'll be using this season. 169 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:51,911 I'm Corn Nuts. 170 00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:54,581 I was living down the road until my brother kicked me out. 171 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,957 It's cool if I sleep here? 172 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,960 I'm Izzy. I only eat rainbow sherbet, and... 173 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,503 [squeaking] 174 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,213 ...that's the sound a panda makes. 175 00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,591 [♪ upbeat music playing] 176 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,760 It's important they know right off the bat 177 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,637 who the fun guy in the house is gonna be. 178 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,472 -Whoa, we got a pool? -Awesome. 179 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,515 Anyone got a can opener? 180 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,851 -No, Stan, there's a cover on... -[Stan groans] 181 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:19,397 Um, fun guy established. 182 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:20,857 Man, Stan? 183 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,193 He's an interesting dude. 184 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:26,071 I've never seen someone so obsessed with throwing farts. 185 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,239 -[farts] -[groans] 186 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,741 -[farts] -[whimpers] 187 00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:31,660 [farts] 188 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,746 And he's always leaving half-eaten tuna cans 189 00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,122 all over the house. 190 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,041 It's like we live with a cat 191 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,126 who's covered in Axe body spray. 192 00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:43,171 And Stan seems to have major beef with Clarence. 193 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,007 [Stan laughs] 194 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,385 -[farts] -[gags] 195 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,012 Nut tap. 196 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:54,182 I call this the Queen's Shuffle. 197 00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:55,975 -[all cheering] -Let's go. 198 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,561 -Let's go, go, go! -[Stan laughs] 199 00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,356 Did you get that? 200 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,025 -[all laughing] -[Drakeford] We decided to all pitch in 201 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,235 and make a nice dinner. 202 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,779 I invited everyone to pregame before the dinner, 203 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,447 but I guess I'm the only cool one. 204 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,075 You little bitches, 205 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,202 you couldn't handle a couple of warm-up drinks? 206 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,499 This lasagna tastes like ass. 207 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,585 [Francine] Is that Stan? 208 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,004 Is this a TV? 209 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,256 Amazing. 210 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:30,468 This. This is why I'll never get an electric vehicle. 211 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,682 I am on the hunt for the perfect person 212 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,059 to turn into my own little Klaus. 213 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,311 Cool. I find friendships blossom-- 214 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:44,023 Holy hell, save it for your memoirs, motor mouth. 215 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,861 Venti tap water and eight cake pops. 216 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,321 -Name? -Just put K-Dog 69. 217 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,449 Ha-ha. Sixty-nine. Noice. 218 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,826 Welp, he's the one. 219 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,412 Weitzman, I'm ready to cash in that favor. 220 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,707 It's Klaus. The fish? 221 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:04,544 Geez, how many fish do you owe favors to, man? 222 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,717 Stan. Stan, the man. 223 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,260 Ricky Stanish. 224 00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:14,846 Hey, Roger. Things were a little hazy 225 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,514 from all the booze last night. 226 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:18,558 I wanna make sure I didn't do anything stupid. 227 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:21,352 You? No. No, no, no. You were rock-solid. 228 00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,605 Total gentlemen. But I'm glad you popped by. 229 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,148 Rogu, grab the man a Pedialyte. 230 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,609 I wanted to tell you how well the show is doing. 231 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,693 People are loving you. 232 00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,570 They're getting gas just to watch. 233 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,906 Ooh, really? Can I see some of the footage? 234 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,617 No, can do. Gotta keep you natural, untainted. 235 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,745 You'll see it soon enough at our live-in-studio finale. 236 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,789 Gonna have a great green room spread, by the way. 237 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,832 One hundred percent salami. Come hungry. 238 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,376 But votes are pouring in, and you're doing great. 239 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,629 Keep being you. We got a hit on our hands. 240 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,672 Not a problem. Thanks, Roger. 241 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,468 [♪ "Nookie" playing] 242 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:03,061 [people laughing] 243 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,897 Oh-ho. Swerve Queen is hating this bit, eh? 244 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:07,941 [laughs] 245 00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,067 [all] Virgil? 246 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,531 You know, it was weird he died the same day 247 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:18,952 the C4 we were about to use to blow up Niagara Falls went missing, yeah? 248 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,621 Dang it! We were duped, gentlemen. 249 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,081 He was one of us. 250 00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,668 Grandma showed him our secret family recipe for horsemeat even. 251 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,837 [Stan laughs on video] 252 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,172 Well, if he wasn't dead before, 253 00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,424 he's a dead man now. 254 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,802 Uh, boss, 255 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:38,054 this was the number we gave those girls we met 256 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,430 ice fishing yesterday. 257 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,851 Virgil! 258 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,188 This never happened. 259 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,232 [gasps] He's perfect. 260 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,152 He's zonked from the transfer. He'll be up soon. 261 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,570 Okay, I gotta get back. 262 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,072 I needed somewhere to put a seagull's brain for a minute, 263 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,407 so I used this guy's body, 264 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,950 and I want to make sure nothing-- 265 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,702 [cawing] 266 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,328 Flappy! Get back here! 267 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,290 Little guy's tuckered out. 268 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,960 But once he's up, we're gonna be inse-- 269 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,628 [screams] 270 00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,255 What the hell's going on? 271 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:15,758 Am I in a dollhouse bed? Am I a [bleep] snail? 272 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,594 Whoa, whoa! Let's just relax. 273 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,846 You are a snail, but... 274 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,141 But we are best friends now. 275 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,894 -[screaming] -[shushing] 276 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,395 It's all gonna be okay. 277 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,355 Here, I'll go grab us a couple of beers 278 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,191 so we can talk this out like bros. 279 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,818 Okay, I only have one mango hard seltzer, 280 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,195 but we can split that for now. 281 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:36,779 Why are you on my... 282 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,532 Did you just call someone? 283 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,784 Yeah, Tracy at Starbucks. 284 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,579 And she's telling everyone at work what you did. 285 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:47,916 The jig is up. So just go ahead and change me back 286 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,667 to a miserable human! 287 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:50,752 [sighs] 288 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:54,756 Damn it. Well, I guess I have no choice but to fix this then, huh? 289 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:57,550 -[all screaming] -We're snails! 290 00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,261 The shell's oddly comforting, but I'm still mad! 291 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,180 -Why? -I had no choice. 292 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,640 You all knew! 293 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,183 [all screaming] 294 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,977 Everything's gonna be fine. Just calm down. 295 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:11,105 I'll grab you guys some dirt and... What do snails eat? 296 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,524 -Maggots? -We don't know. 297 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,109 We just became snails! 298 00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,779 But some maggots do sound amazing. Thank you. 299 00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:19,989 [audience cheering] 300 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,703 Good evening, folks. I'm Gary Ombosule. 301 00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,997 Welcome to the live studio finale 302 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,208 of the most popular show ever to air 303 00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:33,711 above the trough urinal in the Carolina Hurricanes arena bathroom. 304 00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:34,837 [man] Hell, yeah! 305 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:38,132 Now, let's all welcome, fresh out of the house in the Everglades, 306 00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:39,550 that's really dragging their feet 307 00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,637 with my security deposit, my All Stars! 308 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,347 [audience cheering] 309 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,976 Eat it, runts. Look who's a reality star now. 310 00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:53,064 Tonight we'll be crowning, one of these housemates our winner. 311 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,817 You voted all season, and the results are in. 312 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,110 But before we get to that, 313 00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,320 let's look back at this unforgettable season 314 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:01,781 of moments recorded everywhere but the toilet. 315 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,158 [all laughing] 316 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,204 I love it here. Everyone's awesome. 317 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,373 Well, almost everyone. 318 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,002 [squeaking] 319 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:15,586 It's not a direct translation. 320 00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,505 But that's Panda for, "Stan sucks." 321 00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,259 Anjelica, you just won the Super Bowl. 322 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:22,719 Ugh! Stan! 323 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,220 Ugh! Stan! 324 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,555 Ugh! Stan! 325 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,307 Can I tell you guys a secret? 326 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,059 [man] Hell, yeah! 327 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,895 We'll get more into that torrid love affair. 328 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,982 But first, I think audiences around the world 329 00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,901 are eager for me to share some news with the cast. 330 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:40,987 I haven't been totally honest. 331 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:44,907 While you all thought you were filming Gary Ombosule's All Stars, 332 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,993 America knew we were making 333 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,579 Gary Ombosule's Imbeciles! 334 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:50,997 [audience laughing] 335 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,707 You were assembled for my mission 336 00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,126 to crown America's biggest idiot. 337 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,711 And the votes are in. 338 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,087 Drum roll, please. 339 00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,714 [drum roll] 340 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:05,928 -Hey! -[stops] 341 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:07,805 And the winner is, 342 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,057 no surprises here, 343 00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,142 it's Stan, by a mile! 344 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:12,935 [audience cheering] 345 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:18,649 And when we come back, 346 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,527 Bazooka Sharks punter Boomer DeSanto is here 347 00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:23,154 to kick Stan in the balls. 348 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,114 -[audience cheering] -And that's commercial. 349 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,160 Roger, you used me to look like a fool! 350 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,661 Phew. We're on the same page. 351 00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,038 You said you believed in me. 352 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,247 You said I'd be great. 353 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,708 You were great. Great for me and the show. 354 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,752 Aren't you happy for me, Stan? 355 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:43,800 He's in there, eh? Surround the entire perimeter with dynamite. 356 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:47,553 We gotta send our message to the world in style. 357 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,180 I'm done with this stupid show. 358 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:50,389 Find another sucker. 359 00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,433 But nobody sucks harder than you. 360 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,560 Not even the contestants of my other show, 361 00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,437 Human Vacuums of Nebraska. 362 00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,398 [inhales deeply] 363 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,527 The secret to horse meat, Virgil, 364 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,779 is putting on this slice of American cheese 365 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:09,325 after the microwave and letting the steam melt it. 366 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,702 Mr. Ed, meet Mr. Fed. 367 00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:13,871 As in well-fed. Not federal agent. 368 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,165 Which I'm not. [inhales deeply] 369 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:18,459 Horse meat. 370 00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:19,710 Oh, no. 371 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,963 Hey, look! It's Virgil! 372 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,422 As you can imagine, Virgil, 373 00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:25,716 we were devastated to see on TV 374 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,428 that you weren't a dead friend but a living traitor. 375 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,722 Yeah, no, you may have thwarted our plan 376 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,224 to blow up Niagara Falls, bud, 377 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,977 but now you've given us another opportunity 378 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,187 to bring awareness to our cause. 379 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,897 Help me out here. What was that again? 380 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,483 Our cause, to refresh your memory, 381 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,777 is getting the world to adopt 382 00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:48,114 Newfoundland's 30 minutes-off time zone. 383 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,825 Oh, God, I forgot that island is 30 minutes off. 384 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,451 I kept missing Modern Family. 385 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,371 We've accommodated the rest of the world for decades. 386 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,498 Time for them to accommodate us. 387 00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,668 So we're gonna blow up this studio and everyone in it 388 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:04,046 live on air to send a message. 389 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,716 One that will be seen on gas station TVs 390 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,010 and flip phones around the globe! 391 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,179 -[Stan gulps] -And then if we don't die 392 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,722 in a glorious hail of gunfire, 393 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,349 we might pop by Colonial Williamsburg 394 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,185 and see how a horseshoe is made. 395 00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:18,519 If we have time. 396 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:19,854 [Stan gulps] 397 00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,317 [♪ dramatic music playing] 398 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,612 Okay, everybody, a couple of concerning items of news. 399 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,363 Terrorists have surrounded the studio, 400 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,449 -and are planting dynamite. -[all gasp] 401 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,242 But don't worry, I am highly trained, 402 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,369 and have this situation completely-- 403 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:37,788 Wazzup? Where the weed at? 404 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,208 Rogu, get a camera outside on those terrorists. 405 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,668 This could be big. Pluto TV big! 406 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,546 Stan, are we all gonna die? 407 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,716 We may, baby girl. But I ain't stressing. 408 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,135 I just hope Heaven's got an ice luge. 409 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,470 Oh. That's catchy. 410 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,890 [♪ singing] ♪ I just hope heaven's got an ice luge ♪ 411 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,141 Dad! Get it together. 412 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,101 You're in the CIA! Do something! 413 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,020 Wait, you're in the CIA? 414 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,439 You told me you were a sexy dentist. 415 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,274 Yeah, I'm CIA. Ain't no thing. 416 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,193 Just give me a second, I'll whip up a plan. 417 00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:08,778 We just need a flank here, 418 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,613 and then we'll send a team over here, 419 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,157 and I'll rappel in front... Yeah, this looks great. 420 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,493 [laughs] Gotcha! 421 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,036 Stop looking, pervs. 422 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,288 Forget this loser. I'm gonna go out there 423 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,123 and smooth this whole thing over. 424 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,584 Hit 'em with the Queen Shuffle, spit some game, 425 00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:26,671 and we'll be home in time for Jacked Toddlers, South Beach. 426 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,969 [screams] I got got, y'all! 427 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,846 Someone help me! Not Stan! 428 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:39,976 I can't believe we just captured the Swerve Queen. 429 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:45,356 It's Tracy's big blabbermouth is why we're all snails now. 430 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,733 Larry's gonna write us up for missing our shift! 431 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:50,236 Everyone, shut up! Larry's not doing nothing 432 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:51,696 'cause you're all snails, 433 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,824 and you live with a fish now, and we're all best friends! 434 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,242 That's just the way it is! 435 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,869 Anyone want to hear me freestyle? 436 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,080 [♪ beatboxing] 437 00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,500 ♪ I'm a snail I use snail mail ♪ 438 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,378 -♪ I leave snail trails G unit... ♪ -Enough! 439 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:10,590 Everyone, quiet! I'm trying to watch my friend's show! 440 00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:13,593 [♪ beatboxing] 441 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,554 ♪ I'm a snail I read snail braille ♪ 442 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,015 ♪ Baby, be my Chip I'll be your snail Dale ♪ 443 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,435 Here's your staff, Larry. I'm over it. 444 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,562 I'm gonna go chug a Mountain Dew outside TJ Maxx 445 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,647 and throw in some FanDuel parlays. 446 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:27,773 Klaus is back! 447 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,612 -Larry! -That fish turned us into snails! 448 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,114 And you've got to get us to a recording studio. 449 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:38,034 I don't care whose-it did what's-it to whose-um! 450 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,202 You're all late, and I'm writing you up! 451 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,330 [snail 1] Larry, is now a bad time to tell you 452 00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:44,206 that my sister's wedding's next weekend? 453 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,875 Dag nab it! 454 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,089 I can't believe we underestimated 455 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,091 how truly horrible Dad is on camera. 456 00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:55,801 Then we gotta get him off camera. 457 00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:57,345 Roger, kill the cameras! 458 00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:59,388 We need to get Dad back to normal. 459 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,390 On it. Oh, no. 460 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,392 The terrorists must have jammed the signal 461 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,810 so we're stuck on air. 462 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,688 [chuckles] No way I'm missing this gold. 463 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,774 I don't get it. Cameras or not, 464 00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,484 terrorists are Dad's bread and butter. 465 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:15,446 But those missions are all instinct. So maybe... 466 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,867 Instinct trumps cameras. 467 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,786 -[both sobbing] -Clarence and Anjelica, 468 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:22,995 when you're done sobbing, 469 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,623 can I ask you to do a quick season two promo? 470 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:30,753 Sorry, fam. My B. 471 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,214 I guess you were right not to believe in me. 472 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,132 Actually, Dad, I do believe in you. 473 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,804 -Steve, no! -What are you doing? 474 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,514 Come on in and just kill us. 475 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:42,598 Get it over with. 476 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,183 You can do it on camera. 477 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,852 Quick, before the little hoser reconsiders. 478 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,153 Wazzup? 479 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,572 [laughs] 480 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,200 -[farts] -[coughs] 481 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,498 -[groans] -Noogie. 482 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,628 Hang tight. I'll hang loose. 483 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,754 Stan, look out! 484 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,178 [in slow motion] Nut tap! 485 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,309 Grandma shared two family secrets. 486 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,855 Terrorist One always kept a little nitro under his balls. 487 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:33,232 [all cheering] 488 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:35,901 You did it, Stan. 489 00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,195 I told you I could be good on TV. 490 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:41,866 And I just wanted to say, big thanks to all the haters out there 491 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:43,117 for keeping me motivated, 492 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,453 especially my weak-as-hell family. 493 00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:47,997 Shout out to the Everglades, my boy Corn Nuts, 494 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,417 and most importantly, you, America, for eating this. 495 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,585 [farts] 496 00:20:57,715 --> 00:21:00,301 I'm pitching a lot of hot, hot shows right now, 497 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:03,345 but there's one in particular I think you'd really shine on. 498 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,930 Me? Tuttle? 499 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:07,767 Are you familiar with the concept of a Squid Game? 500 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,436 I am not, but I love calamari. 501 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:12,396 Great. Great. That's perfect. 502 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,149 Rogu will just get a quick legally binding signature, 503 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:17,318 and you'll be rich and famous, lickety split. 504 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:18,402 Hot dog! 505 00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,321 Production starts Monday. 506 00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:21,947 Just bring some exercise clothes. 507 00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,783 And remember, don't tell any loved ones 508 00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:24,867 where you're going. 509 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,830 Damn it! This is another Valentine. 510 00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,582 Still, it'll mean the world to Clip Clop.